A Matter of Stature Chapter 32 [LevixReader]

A Matter of Stature

Chapter 32: I'll Grant Your Wish (I Wish You Could Grant Mine)

A watch tower served as Dot Pixis' office which you were granted access to after presenting the seal. You placed the seal on the desk and looked out the window, using the telescope that was already set up next to it. There was also another telescope on the ceiling, but it only offered a slightly better view and a lot less privacy. You groaned in frustration, you weren't even sure where to look. You could only see so much before everything was lost to abandoned houses and ruins, you might spot a titan further ahead if there was any to be spotted, but a human might be too hard to distinguish from that distance. If Levi was out there, you wouldn't be able to spot him from here. Dot knew that for sure, but he humored you anyway.

You sighed and stepped away from the telescope, Levi might never come back. They had not seen him die, but how could he make it back alone, on foot? If only you could bring him back yourself. Eren wanted to, but Erwin insisted it was too risky and if there really had been a large group of titans, then they might have been too much even for Eren. Besides, Eren might end up sentenced to death if the word reached Sina that he had disobeyed direct orders, things would already be difficult for him with Levi gone and he had to be in his best behavior. Eren wouldn't be too hard to convince though, but thinking about it made you feel like that would be using him, putting him at risk in ways that Levi himself would disapprove of.

If only you were a titan shifter, then you could go out there, sneak out, transform, keep it a secret. You observed the walls of the office. Certificates of various kinds lined the walls along with a few decorations, among which was a dagger. It wasn't a real weapon, it's ornamental handle was probably uncomfortable to grip, but it still looked sharp. You removed it from the wall and looked at it for a moment. Blood was the key for Eren's transformation, but it had never been your trigger. Though it was useless, you still tested the dagger's sharpness on your arm. The cut hurt and blood poured out from it, but the pain was soon gone, as your skin healed as if the cut had never been there. You tried again, hoping the result was different with no regard to how dangerous it would be if you did transform in your current location, you knew it wouldn't happen anyway.

The door opened and Mikasa rushed towards you in alarm, "no!" It a split second she had disarmed you, moving so quickly that you didn't even see her take the dagger away, but it was now in her hand instead of yours. She dropped it to the floor and insisted with worry, "don't do it, don't kill yourself."

Your eyes widened in realization. The scene really did look suspiciously like an attempted suicide, though that had never been your intention. "I wasn't..." you couldn't explain your logic without revealing secrets that would lead to suspicions and more secrets. You felt bad about hiding this from your friends, but you didn't want to drag them into your problems, so they were better off not knowing. "I wasn't thinking, I'm sorry."

"I considered it too," Mikasa admitted much to your surprise. "It was when I thought Eren was dead, but he was alive and even before I knew that, part of me was still trying to survive, even against my own choice to die. Eren's memory wouldn't let me die." You stared in surprise, you never knew something like that had happened to Mikasa, perhaps not even Eren knew. "Don't give up, you must never consider it, never give up!" She insisted.

You nodded, touched by her sincerity and the personal experience she shared. "I'm sorry, I won't give up, I promise." You assured. You looked at the dagger on the floor. "Please don't tell anyone." Mikasa picked up the dagger and began to clean the evidence off it. "They'll just worry." You glanced at the empty holder embedded on the wall as Mikasa put the dagger back on it. "Please..."

"I won't," Mikasa assured, "and..."

"I won't tell anyone either," you understood her silent request. You were concerned about her cleaning the blood off your arm. She would see that the cut was gone, but you didn't have the heart to push her away when she had been so concerned and shared something personal that probably no one else knew about. "It's ok, you don't need to do this, your handkerchief is getting dirty."

"Better make sure your cut is clean." It was too late, Mikasa wiped the blood off your arm and didn't see the cut that should still be there.

"I'm sorry," you whispered. "I'm very sorry, but I can't explain this now. I will be able to one day." One day this nightmare had to be over and there would be no more secrets.

Still, Mikasa couldn't help it but to ask, "are you...?"

"Not like Eren, I can't do what he does, I just heal, if it's not fatal anyway... I'm really sorry, I've said too much, please don't tell. It'll only get everyone into trouble," you pleaded.

Mikasa nodded in understanding. "I'll keep it a secret," she promised. As if suddenly remembering something, she glanced at the door and went to pick up what she dropped when she rushed towards you. "It's cold, so I brought you this. I took it from your room in a hurry. Sorry, I should have brought something else, it seemed like a good idea at the time, but..."

You took the scouts jacket, the wings emblem displayed on it, it was Levi's. "no, this is fine, thank you." You put it on, you hadn't really been paying attention to it, but you were very cold and the extra layer of fabric brought some much needed warmth. "Did you sneak out?"

"No, I went to Erwin and asked him to let me come talk to you. Eren and Armin wanted to come too, but there was no way Eren would be allowed to go out. He asked me to come in his place, he's convince he could have done something differently. Levi trusted him when the rest of the squad wouldn't, then they eventually learned to trust him too, but they might have killed him if Levi hadn't trusted him first. He feels like he couldn't return the favor of saving his life too," Mikasa explained.

"Then I should go talk to him," you decided. You knew Levi wouldn't want Eren to keep blaming himself and make a scene that would get him into trouble.

xoxox xox xoxox

You returned to the base with Mikasa and did your best to reassure Eren. He was in his room with Armin when the two of you arrived. You reminded him Levi wouldn't want him to blame himself or cause any trouble. "You have a mission, remember? You're going to defeat all the titans and bring freedom to humanity. You'll get back at them all, but not if you lose yourself now. Just remember how calm Levi is even in tough situations. You didn't see him die, maybe he really is out there, and even if he's not," you knew you couldn't sugar coat it too much, or it would be worse in the long run. "You can at least, grant his wish, it's the same as yours, freedom." You wiped the tears from your face, you didn't want to cry, you were supposed to be reassuring.

"Thank you," Eren finally spoke after a long moment of silence.

Eren had taken your word as Levi's you realized, after all, you were supposed to know him very well, you were supposed to be the one who loved him the most and was suffering the most right now. If you could be reasonable at a time like this, anyone could. Then you realized you had to be, because if you fell apart, others would too, morale could be a fragile thing at times, but it was the key to endless strength. Morale shouldn't be based on a lie, but it didn't really matter anymore if Levi was your husband or not, you were almost certainly his widow by now, but you still had friends to fight for, people that he cared for too. Even if he wasn't always clear about it, you knew all the scouts were precious to Levi and you couldn't disregard what you believed would be his wishes.

There was a knock on the door. The group looked up curiously and Eren finally voiced a quiet, "come in." None of you expected to see Erwin there. You guessed that he was there to reprimand Eren for his earlier behavior, but Eren spoke first. "Commander, I'm sorry for the way I acted before. We scouts should be united, we need to see the bigger picture and stay calm. Acting rashly is not a risk we can afford to take, Levi told me that, I should have listened better. I apologize for implying you didn't care, I know Levi would have made the same call to retreat if he was there, it was the only reasonable thing to do, given the situation." You understood Eren a little better now, he was so full of life and determination, even if his family was gone, he fought so that their tragedy wouldn't be repeated and to protect the friends that still lived.

Erwin seemed surprised that Eren's fury had been subdued. "We're all upset about this," the commander admitted, "but what you just said is true and you must remember it in the future." Eren nodded and surprisingly, Erwin didn't dictate any punishments, instead he requested, "(Name) can I talk to you in my office?"

"Ok..." You followed him out, leaving Eren with Mikasa and Armin. You decided not to bring up the earlier argument, the tension was high and the wounds fresh, though that last part was still true.

xoxox xox xoxox

At Erwin's office, you sat across the desk from him, the door closed to prevent interruptions. Erwin let out a tired breath, as if the day had drained ten years of life right out of him. "I don't know if you're aware of it, but somehow you've come have to an influence over a good number of the scouts. They were curious about you when they heard the news you were Levi's wife and that made them watch you, they still do."

"I know," you replied quietly, "morale. That's why you let me run off, it was better that I calmed down somewhere else than start an uproar here. I won't lie to them though, what I told Eren was true, the conclusions he reached were right, I really do believe in freedom and I want the scouts to go on." You bit your lip, trying not to cry again. "If it'll help protect them, I'd take all their pain and keep it to myself, I won't do anything to endanger any of them."

Erwin seemed a bit relieved, though still exhausted, stressed and saddened by the day's events. Yet the carried he heavy knowledge that he had to be strong so that all those who stood with him could be strong too. "I'm glad you understand..."

You sighed, "I think I'll go see my father, I'll calm down a little more if I do," you decided. "I'll be back tomorrow." You stood, walking a few steps towards the office door. You felt that what needed to be said was said and that there was enough of an understanding to leave the conversation at that.

As you reached for the door, you heard Erwin say a few more words. "Levi told me you could be trusted. I wasn't sure at first, but I trust him."

Your hand hovered over the door handle, motionless. You were glad to hear that Levi trusted you and at the same time, the thought of never seeing him again hurt more. You realized that Erwin was sincere, he wasn't just humoring you so you would behave, like when he patted your head like a child when you first came. He was actually counting on you, because  Levi believed it was possible. You nodded in quiet understanding, "I'll be back before dark," you decided, and left the office.

To be Continued